I climbed a mountain, and the highest one in England at that. Am back from Lake District, an amazingly beautiful place! Went with 9 other Singaporeans and had a lot of fun, though I was struggling like crazy in the beginning. Must really thank my climbing buddy, Yan, and Nicfoo, Ben and Jiawei for helping me along a lot of the way. Actually would have given up very early if not because the group is big. In my normal frame of mind, I would think twice, thrice, multiple times before climbing up a scree slope and crossing streams. Walking in a field of rocks with much clouds and rain is plainly crazy. But three hours later, just stop thinking about the rain, wind and rocks, but to enjoy the experience and scenery. Anyway, finished it relatively casualty-free, just odd bruises here and there and blue-black toenails (take it as nail-polish!)
Then we had a huge turkey dinner and a turkey-eating competition between ben and jiawei which was hilarious and a zongjimima game which was even funnier (don't ask why.) Saw a real fireplace and played jenga with blocks thicker than my wrist!
Today we drove back, got lost while trying to get to cheshire oaks, but eventually got back to town at 6 plus. Had buffet dinner at wingwah, followed by karaoke, which involves us yelling rather than singing... taste degenerated to "ten little indians".
At 2.20am UK time, I'm getting a bit incoherent. If all of these does not make sense, just check out the pictures at my flickr site!
Had a really great weekend, but now have to make up for lost time.
Things to do:
1. world econs essay
2. philo essay
3. cda
4. hcnite webbie
5. find ip anonymiser (non-urgent, strictly for amusement)
Monday, November 27, 2006
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Indefinite Definitions?!
Have been here for 7 weeks plus. Every week I've been here, some concept I have gets redefined. dictionary.com can't help with that, because social definitions of concepts are relative. It feels like a boomerang, me being thrown off-course by events, to rebound to a natural balance, then only to repeat the process. It is tiring, but at the same time, morbidly fascinating. I don't think I recognise the world I left home with now... everything is now topsy-turvy in my head. But then, I wonder what else can everything and/or everyone fling at me. Then again, don't invite trouble. Not that I have... trouble comes to me.
Maybe fixed definitions don't exist. Maybe everything is in a flux all the time, cos the only constant is change. Don't even ask me what I need to be defined, the list is too long, and it will take a whole lightyear to tear down. By then, as Keynes said, "in the long run, we are all dead."
Maybe this is a part of growing up, of becoming truly independent. This year I constantly throw myself into the deep end of the pool quite entirely without meaning to, but quietly confident I will figure out how to swim. I have survived and lived well to various extents, so it can't kill me this time. I will go down, only to come up stronger.
Maybe fixed definitions don't exist. Maybe everything is in a flux all the time, cos the only constant is change. Don't even ask me what I need to be defined, the list is too long, and it will take a whole lightyear to tear down. By then, as Keynes said, "in the long run, we are all dead."
Maybe this is a part of growing up, of becoming truly independent. This year I constantly throw myself into the deep end of the pool quite entirely without meaning to, but quietly confident I will figure out how to swim. I have survived and lived well to various extents, so it can't kill me this time. I will go down, only to come up stronger.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
whole new world
Work here does not impress me. It is the people and environment here that have been teaching me lots.
First, I have finally figured out how to get to London and find my way around at least Central London. Taking the rail to York, because I missed the bus, also became quite an adventure. It is also quite amazing how unreliable transport is in this developed country. On a 3-hour train ride, expect to get to your destination in 4. Don't expect any less of a delay on buses. Don't bat an eyelid when out of nowhere, train services can be terminated due to "signal failure". I have obviously been taking Singapore transport for granted.
Second, I tend to be more forgiving of good friends. The problem is, I refuse to pass judgement on many of my friends. They are either "good friends" or "friends". Attempts not to pass judgement can come across as indecisive.
Third, be more receptive of ideas. I disagree with the perspective of a friend I shall not name, but find myself applauding her for her guts and conviction.
Okies, now for pictures to break up the monotony of my wordy blog.
First, I have finally figured out how to get to London and find my way around at least Central London. Taking the rail to York, because I missed the bus, also became quite an adventure. It is also quite amazing how unreliable transport is in this developed country. On a 3-hour train ride, expect to get to your destination in 4. Don't expect any less of a delay on buses. Don't bat an eyelid when out of nowhere, train services can be terminated due to "signal failure". I have obviously been taking Singapore transport for granted.
Second, I tend to be more forgiving of good friends. The problem is, I refuse to pass judgement on many of my friends. They are either "good friends" or "friends". Attempts not to pass judgement can come across as indecisive.
Third, be more receptive of ideas. I disagree with the perspective of a friend I shall not name, but find myself applauding her for her guts and conviction.
Okies, now for pictures to break up the monotony of my wordy blog.
The frost in the field behind my block. It was already 10am.
Nic and me at river Ouse in York.
Friday, November 03, 2006
random things from the past week
1. yesterday asked Jasmine about the pair of shoes i'm borrowing from her. Then realised that shoe sizes are completely meaningless. I can fit into puma size 6, timberland 4.5, new balance 5.5. Always thought the point of shoe sizes is to standardise.
2. i am a big kaypoh, and in between doing the unpalatable philo essay, i search about people online. Maybe i can part-time as a PI next time.
3. Sun sets at 5.30pm, and temperatures fell below zero yesterday. Saw frost this morning.
4. A sad song with powerful lyrics:
假如
听你狠狠的哭
让我走我的路
你现在了解我多苦
你可要永远记住
爱你不是错误
恨你不是觉悟
我不要回忆 谁在乎
我们把一切结束
爱是假如 不是幸福
我比你清楚
我要你掉着眼泪
说你假如能回到最初
我却说不
NOTE: I am not upset or anything, neither am I in love. I just like this song for its intensity.
2. i am a big kaypoh, and in between doing the unpalatable philo essay, i search about people online. Maybe i can part-time as a PI next time.
3. Sun sets at 5.30pm, and temperatures fell below zero yesterday. Saw frost this morning.
4. A sad song with powerful lyrics:
假如
听你狠狠的哭
让我走我的路
你现在了解我多苦
你可要永远记住
爱你不是错误
恨你不是觉悟
我不要回忆 谁在乎
我们把一切结束
爱是假如 不是幸福
我比你清楚
我要你掉着眼泪
说你假如能回到最初
我却说不
NOTE: I am not upset or anything, neither am I in love. I just like this song for its intensity.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Power
Power is central to human societal organisations. Yet it makes friends out of enemies and enemies out of friends. Private agendas abound. It is shocking to see normally nice people turn aggressive, but it hurts even more if you become the victim of your friend's attack. It appears ungrateful, when well-intentioned actions become interpreted/miscontrued as ulterior motivations. I feel for the victim because this is not how it should be. But on the other hand, the powers-that-be certainly influence the powers-that-will-be, and more often than not, it feels like a self-sustaining elite.
Power also need not accrue to the most capable and deserving. The democratic system is after all a popularity, even demagogic, race. It does not matter what you say, rather, how you say it matters more. I yearn for substance, sorely lacking in a lot of the social groups/classes I attend. Words can be empty, purely decorative, to take up space and time. Perhaps it is important to learn some of these social skills, or Darwinian evolution predicts your extinction from the arena.
Perhaps I am being naive. Others can reflect on these points rather matter-of-factly, without a tinge of pain or feeling of betrayal. And there are some things I would rather not find out.
Do not judge, and learn to let go.
P.S. This is just a random comment and does not relate to anything in particular.
Power also need not accrue to the most capable and deserving. The democratic system is after all a popularity, even demagogic, race. It does not matter what you say, rather, how you say it matters more. I yearn for substance, sorely lacking in a lot of the social groups/classes I attend. Words can be empty, purely decorative, to take up space and time. Perhaps it is important to learn some of these social skills, or Darwinian evolution predicts your extinction from the arena.
Perhaps I am being naive. Others can reflect on these points rather matter-of-factly, without a tinge of pain or feeling of betrayal. And there are some things I would rather not find out.
Do not judge, and learn to let go.
P.S. This is just a random comment and does not relate to anything in particular.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
WSM
This story has probably taken Singapore by storm, but I only found out yesterday night about this girl who responded rather angrily and arrogantly over an adult's musings about the hardships and realities of life. I read the girl's entry from xialanxue.
She is the type who gives a bad reputation to people who are from good schools, but unfortunately despite behaving like a know-all, she is very detached from real life. Not everyone's parents are well-off and can afford to give their children all they need to get into good schools, and even outside training to make sure they get into school team. Some people are poor by circumstances, and it takes double the effort for them to make it good between generations. I don't mean to curse her, but it is inappropriate for someone who has not start earning her own living to comment on an adult's hardship in making ends meet. The problems out there are genuine, and neither she nor I am in the position to empathise since we have not reached that stage yet. Though we seem to lead cushy and comfortable lives, we are effectively living off our parents, who seldom or even never, tell us the problems they face at work and in making sure that finances work out fine.
The worst part of it all: she seems to have let all the money her parents invest in her education all go to waste.
She is the type who gives a bad reputation to people who are from good schools, but unfortunately despite behaving like a know-all, she is very detached from real life. Not everyone's parents are well-off and can afford to give their children all they need to get into good schools, and even outside training to make sure they get into school team. Some people are poor by circumstances, and it takes double the effort for them to make it good between generations. I don't mean to curse her, but it is inappropriate for someone who has not start earning her own living to comment on an adult's hardship in making ends meet. The problems out there are genuine, and neither she nor I am in the position to empathise since we have not reached that stage yet. Though we seem to lead cushy and comfortable lives, we are effectively living off our parents, who seldom or even never, tell us the problems they face at work and in making sure that finances work out fine.
The worst part of it all: she seems to have let all the money her parents invest in her education all go to waste.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Eight things that can be better
1. More coherent reading lists
2. Better tutors who don't tell you they don't know about the assignments or the topic, for the matter. (For god's sake, what are you doing here then? Balek Kampong la!)
3. Less tag-alongs
4. People who don't mutter under their breath, "these chinese..." (Took all my restraint not to mutter under my breath too, "these brits".)
5. Flatmates who don't steal your food
6. Flatmates who don't leave their saucepans unwashed in the cupboard
7. Societies done for the sake of it, and not just because "it looks good on the CV". People here are more pragmatic than Singaporeans.
8. People who don't wake up in the morning with hangovers and smelling of alcohol
I am not unhappy in school. I am very occupied actually, wading through reading lists that don't make sense, wasting my time on completely unrelated material. It is just that this is not what i expect in a school in a supposedly advanced and civilised country. I want to walk out of class feeling like I learned something new, not stoned and feeling like time could be better spent elsewhere. Relative to opportunity costs of being halfway across the world from home, school can be much more enriching.
2. Better tutors who don't tell you they don't know about the assignments or the topic, for the matter. (For god's sake, what are you doing here then? Balek Kampong la!)
3. Less tag-alongs
4. People who don't mutter under their breath, "these chinese..." (Took all my restraint not to mutter under my breath too, "these brits".)
5. Flatmates who don't steal your food
6. Flatmates who don't leave their saucepans unwashed in the cupboard
7. Societies done for the sake of it, and not just because "it looks good on the CV". People here are more pragmatic than Singaporeans.
8. People who don't wake up in the morning with hangovers and smelling of alcohol
I am not unhappy in school. I am very occupied actually, wading through reading lists that don't make sense, wasting my time on completely unrelated material. It is just that this is not what i expect in a school in a supposedly advanced and civilised country. I want to walk out of class feeling like I learned something new, not stoned and feeling like time could be better spent elsewhere. Relative to opportunity costs of being halfway across the world from home, school can be much more enriching.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Act as you preach.
Assumption: Western societies, with full-fledged democracies, talk about rights, protests and demonstrations, would be more accepting of people of various colours and stripes.
Another assumption: people at University are relatively well-read and world-conscious.
Observation: They think they know and act like they do, but they don't.
Stop asking me "how's china?" and saying "we have the right to spit gum wherever we like".
Stop asking me "how's the dictator?" And this brings me to the next point.
News: "In a radical move to curb terrorism, UK lecturers and university staff have been asked to spy on 'Asian-looking' and Muslim students they suspect of supporting terrorist acts and involvement in extremism, reported the Guardian."
You laugh at our system of government, only to implement worse. This is not meant to be political, but for god's sake, you cannot tell someone's religion by looks and "asian-looking" means anything from Chinese, to Indian to Central Asian. Please do not insult your academic staff's intelligence. (and if they do follow, it will be tremendously disappointing.)
And international students did not pay more than three times what the locals pay in school fees to be spied on. Ascribe the same basic human respect to everyone. Look beyond the borders, to see that not all humans are white.
An unrelated note: my tagboard died, so I took it off. Anything, please email. :D
Another assumption: people at University are relatively well-read and world-conscious.
Observation: They think they know and act like they do, but they don't.
Stop asking me "how's china?" and saying "we have the right to spit gum wherever we like".
Stop asking me "how's the dictator?" And this brings me to the next point.
News: "In a radical move to curb terrorism, UK lecturers and university staff have been asked to spy on 'Asian-looking' and Muslim students they suspect of supporting terrorist acts and involvement in extremism, reported the Guardian."
You laugh at our system of government, only to implement worse. This is not meant to be political, but for god's sake, you cannot tell someone's religion by looks and "asian-looking" means anything from Chinese, to Indian to Central Asian. Please do not insult your academic staff's intelligence. (and if they do follow, it will be tremendously disappointing.)
And international students did not pay more than three times what the locals pay in school fees to be spied on. Ascribe the same basic human respect to everyone. Look beyond the borders, to see that not all humans are white.
An unrelated note: my tagboard died, so I took it off. Anything, please email. :D
Friday, October 13, 2006
birthday overseas
My first birthday overseas could have been really lonely. What is usually a family dinner became a box of very very good Chinese instant/canned food. (But it costs more than the dinner we had last year. The irony!)
My flatmates have all gone out to the Freshers' ball which is probably a 18-pound night of drunken revelry.
But my Singaporean friends filled the night with cheery convos, a lot of food, fun and laughter. It's the Singapore society, so it's all healthy fun, no drunkenness at all. People drink alcohol. We drink coke (not cocaine).
My batchmates even bought me a cake and a card, though we have only really known each other in the past two and a half weeks. It feels really great to have friends around, to have people who go out of the way to remember and celebrate it for you. Thanks to everyone, especially Weixi and Jiawei.
And to my buddy En, happy birthday! Enjoy the food and sun! And we will have island creamery two months later. =)
My flatmates have all gone out to the Freshers' ball which is probably a 18-pound night of drunken revelry.
But my Singaporean friends filled the night with cheery convos, a lot of food, fun and laughter. It's the Singapore society, so it's all healthy fun, no drunkenness at all. People drink alcohol. We drink coke (not cocaine).
My batchmates even bought me a cake and a card, though we have only really known each other in the past two and a half weeks. It feels really great to have friends around, to have people who go out of the way to remember and celebrate it for you. Thanks to everyone, especially Weixi and Jiawei.
And to my buddy En, happy birthday! Enjoy the food and sun! And we will have island creamery two months later. =)
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Magnification
Half the world away from home, small things in life get magnified out of proportion. A philosophy text gets us depressed the whole weekend. Going to the supermarket feels like an excursion. Cooking dinner feels like a massive experiment. Not drinking feels like exclusion from a major clique. Group dinners are just wonderful chill-out sessions. Skype sessions with parents feel good. Friends in SG and US are have been the most understanding and supportive, just by being there, relating their own experiences and hearing me complain. Seniors have been so nice as to invite us to a very fun housewarming and offer to take us out to Birmingham.
I think I should count my blessings. As I try to become independent, I am always never truly alone.
I think I should count my blessings. As I try to become independent, I am always never truly alone.
Friday, October 06, 2006
When a tree falls in an empty forest and there is no one there, is there sound? I have no idea what I'm doing to myself going for a compulsory lecture that starts like that, and got nowhere near anything more comprehensible. This is completely boliao. Save me, I don't know what the heck I'm doing in philosophy when I don't even see the point in it. Okay, admittedly it's quite mentally challenging, but in the end, what is the relevance? There is some problem with me, I no longer find presumably difficult theories interesting.
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On another note, people get really creative in a drastically different environment. Even spaghetti can become chao3mian4. Cook it long enough, add oyster sauce, egg, spring onion and mushroom. The next time, I'm going to make mee goreng. Heh heh.
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On another note, people get really creative in a drastically different environment. Even spaghetti can become chao3mian4. Cook it long enough, add oyster sauce, egg, spring onion and mushroom. The next time, I'm going to make mee goreng. Heh heh.
Monday, October 02, 2006
living abroad
People assume studying abroad is prestigious and glorious. To me, it has always been an immense privilege to have my uni education paid for and to have the chance to experience something different. Those who came back from abroad are seen as successful, and they tell others of the good times. Few mention the problems adjusting to life alone overseas. You are forced to grow up, very fast, maybe even instantly. If you have any problems, parents are too far away to help you. They can help you think of ideas, talk to you to make you feel better. But in the end, the problems are yours and no one else's. There is no point in getting them worried, but somehow they are the best people to talk things out.
The good:
- I went to Warwick castle, Coventry and Stratford-upon-Avon
- I like the company of fellow Singaporeans at Warwick. A plane ride away, strangers become family. Really loved yesterday's dinner when we all stayed to sing songs, with nicfoo and shuks on the guitar. Some songs everyone know, some only a few can sing. It is only then that we realise we are quite international in musical tastes. And of course, please don't even try singing "Country Road", cos we all know it won't "take us home".
- The ecstasy when you see Chinese food. Normally, the Chinese food served would have been substandard to me. But in another place, rice fried with egg is a delicacy.
- The feeling of independence, that you have the room to plan your life as you see fit. And no one says a thing about the mess in your room. Currently, I have clothes drying all over my room, socks, t-shirts and everything.
- Friends who, though physically distant, do their best to make me feel loved and in touch. (Anthony, Lucas, Mich, Wenxian)
The bad:
- English weather is freakish, and you start missing Singapore weather, which makes you feel v. upset everytime a cold blast of wind hits you.
- Cold weather
- Doing all your groceries by yourself. Didn't know how much food i am capable of eating, until i got to buy breakfast, lunch and dinner by myself, and cook the stuff.
- Having to deal with domestic crises. My crock pot cracked after i tried cooking stuff with it on the induction heater. (don't ask me why.) And just before that, my flatmates shortcircuited the common kettle and there's no electricity in the kitchen. (so no microwave, as well.)
- nowhere to hide and have some private space without seeming anti-social, cos you are in school 24/7.
- making decisions by yourself, such as comparing prices of things to buy.
This basically sums up the past 5 days of my life in UK. Although the grass is often greener on the other side, it is not a bed of roses. But on the flip side of it, the strongest people have gone through the most hardships, places with the most history were the most ravished and the most beautiful places have gone through the worst force of nature.
The overseas experience: Don't think it's a holiday. We go through all of it only so as to become stronger. I am not enjoying the mess that is my life now, but it is part of the journey and I know I grow the most when thrown into the deep end of the pool. Ask me about it one year later, and I hope I will be able to recount these days as memories, not nightmares.
Note: happy pics in flickr!
The good:
- I went to Warwick castle, Coventry and Stratford-upon-Avon
- I like the company of fellow Singaporeans at Warwick. A plane ride away, strangers become family. Really loved yesterday's dinner when we all stayed to sing songs, with nicfoo and shuks on the guitar. Some songs everyone know, some only a few can sing. It is only then that we realise we are quite international in musical tastes. And of course, please don't even try singing "Country Road", cos we all know it won't "take us home".
- The ecstasy when you see Chinese food. Normally, the Chinese food served would have been substandard to me. But in another place, rice fried with egg is a delicacy.
- The feeling of independence, that you have the room to plan your life as you see fit. And no one says a thing about the mess in your room. Currently, I have clothes drying all over my room, socks, t-shirts and everything.
- Friends who, though physically distant, do their best to make me feel loved and in touch. (Anthony, Lucas, Mich, Wenxian)
The bad:
- English weather is freakish, and you start missing Singapore weather, which makes you feel v. upset everytime a cold blast of wind hits you.
- Cold weather
- Doing all your groceries by yourself. Didn't know how much food i am capable of eating, until i got to buy breakfast, lunch and dinner by myself, and cook the stuff.
- Having to deal with domestic crises. My crock pot cracked after i tried cooking stuff with it on the induction heater. (don't ask me why.) And just before that, my flatmates shortcircuited the common kettle and there's no electricity in the kitchen. (so no microwave, as well.)
- nowhere to hide and have some private space without seeming anti-social, cos you are in school 24/7.
- making decisions by yourself, such as comparing prices of things to buy.
This basically sums up the past 5 days of my life in UK. Although the grass is often greener on the other side, it is not a bed of roses. But on the flip side of it, the strongest people have gone through the most hardships, places with the most history were the most ravished and the most beautiful places have gone through the worst force of nature.
The overseas experience: Don't think it's a holiday. We go through all of it only so as to become stronger. I am not enjoying the mess that is my life now, but it is part of the journey and I know I grow the most when thrown into the deep end of the pool. Ask me about it one year later, and I hope I will be able to recount these days as memories, not nightmares.
Note: happy pics in flickr!
Friday, September 29, 2006
warwick
Thanks to everyone who sent me off on Monday, esp. Rach, Heidi and Kahoo for planning that surprise. I arrived on Tuesday afternoon. Orientation has so far been boring and involves going to the nearby towns. These people's definition of "nearby" means a half-an-hour bus ride. So far have gone to Stratford and to Coventry... haven't really walked around in coventry cos was too busy settling bank accounts.
Pictures of Stratford in flickr.
Neighbours and the rest have not moved in yet, so I now know no one and hang around a lot of the time with fellow SG people. :)
Pictures of Stratford in flickr.
Neighbours and the rest have not moved in yet, so I now know no one and hang around a lot of the time with fellow SG people. :)
Sunday, September 24, 2006
last post from the island
Went to watch Singapore Dreaming yesterday, and it was amazingly good for a SG production which basically revolves around typical SG family life. I watched it out of curiosity over how attractive and inspiring can family dinners and minor squabbles be. A family falling apart, adults who cannot see beyond money and making ends meet, not in the way of being unable to put food on the table, but unable to afford the latest instalment of their luxury car and move into a condo. It is understandable where they are coming from, a pursuit of a material life, a need to be constantly "upgraded", like the lifts and corridors. But still, to me there is nothing wrong with a HDB flat and taking public transport. (You can fall asleep on the MRT, but not while you are driving. :p) I felt sadness for the characters, because you know there are a lot of people like them, who will never be satisfied.
But that does not make me glad to leave the island. I also have no idea what it is supposed to feel like. It is very difficult to feel excited when you think about the massive amounts of adjustment to be done 13-and-a-half-hours plane ride away. Yet, there is a lot of things to be done and new people to meet. Western cultures may not be superior, but they are definitely different. Thus, there is no reason for it to be a sad thing. Admittedly, things can change while I am away, but in Sg, things change very fast anyway, whether you are here or not. I woke up one morning to find the grass patch of the previous night transformed into a cement patch. And the following morning, it became a carpark. So when asked on two separate occasions, how I feel about going to school, my answer: "Stone."
And before I go tomorrow, shall do something here that is inspired by Nic's last sg post.
The times when:
- I called you "monkey" 9 years ago because you did rock climbing. And the name stuck ever since.
- you only managed to get a picture of me only after you lure me onto the suspension bridge at Fort Siloso.
- you sang lakukeracha all day long
- we sang off-tune Chinese pop songs every recess.
- i went on and on in Mandarin, not realising you speak Malay.
- you taught me how to MUD.
- our slave-driver threatened to hang you on the fans.
- we climbed on to a ledge on the fourth floor in school to do a suicide film and got a huge scolding.
- we spent whole holidays together, watching videos render
- we ice-skated so many times and translated articles for each other
- we took spastic photos in the the skating rink of our "snow"-covered gloves
- we "moo-ed" to each other because we were bored, and you wished the world was made of Cadbury chocolate.
- we spent an inordinate amount of time mulling over NE in everywhere from KAP to Starbucks
- we panicked together over the incomprehensibility of econs notes
- we sat at Bedok Jetty till the last train, watched fireworks at Merlion Park and sat at the Esplanade breathing in second-hand smoke
- you were so caught up with the Jap version of "Journey to the West" and we teased you about "Chinese Robot"
- you left food on my table because I was dumb enough to run home to grab my notebook
- i made you walk all the way to Whitley, the wrong one. And you didn't scold me.
- i told you countless times how i'm amazed you do showbiz. I still am.
- we sat at Island Creamery, chatted the whole night and nearly forgot to go home.
- we ate brunch at Simply Bread, despite the impossible amount of work you have.
- we cluelessly explored 10 blocks of AMK at night and were thrown out together from ICU
- we sat in the wrong Macs waiting for the guy, and you had to explain filing and lines
- you threatened to leave me at a rubbish bin if I get drunk, but later insisted on sending me home
- we teased you about being squinty. You coined your own insult.
- you said I am short, only to tell me the next day that actually, you are shorter.
- we sat at Thai Express, eight people eating two desserts.
- I broke down in front of you, so you did all the talking, telling me what you felt, unbiased, was best for me.
- we ate sushi and laughed so much, we thought the chefs think we are mad. Our favourite pasttime is watching the conveyor belt.
Before I uproot myself to a temperate place, thank you for everything you have done and for leaving me a lot of memories. Though things won't, shouldn't and better not stay the same, keep in touch while we all change for the better! Heh. Take care and we will catch up, in a while, back in sunny SG.
email: ongrl@singnet.com.sg
MSN: zhai_helleva@hotmail.com
skype: windtothywings
But that does not make me glad to leave the island. I also have no idea what it is supposed to feel like. It is very difficult to feel excited when you think about the massive amounts of adjustment to be done 13-and-a-half-hours plane ride away. Yet, there is a lot of things to be done and new people to meet. Western cultures may not be superior, but they are definitely different. Thus, there is no reason for it to be a sad thing. Admittedly, things can change while I am away, but in Sg, things change very fast anyway, whether you are here or not. I woke up one morning to find the grass patch of the previous night transformed into a cement patch. And the following morning, it became a carpark. So when asked on two separate occasions, how I feel about going to school, my answer: "Stone."
And before I go tomorrow, shall do something here that is inspired by Nic's last sg post.
The times when:
- I called you "monkey" 9 years ago because you did rock climbing. And the name stuck ever since.
- you only managed to get a picture of me only after you lure me onto the suspension bridge at Fort Siloso.
- you sang lakukeracha all day long
- we sang off-tune Chinese pop songs every recess.
- i went on and on in Mandarin, not realising you speak Malay.
- you taught me how to MUD.
- our slave-driver threatened to hang you on the fans.
- we climbed on to a ledge on the fourth floor in school to do a suicide film and got a huge scolding.
- we spent whole holidays together, watching videos render
- we ice-skated so many times and translated articles for each other
- we took spastic photos in the the skating rink of our "snow"-covered gloves
- we "moo-ed" to each other because we were bored, and you wished the world was made of Cadbury chocolate.
- we spent an inordinate amount of time mulling over NE in everywhere from KAP to Starbucks
- we panicked together over the incomprehensibility of econs notes
- we sat at Bedok Jetty till the last train, watched fireworks at Merlion Park and sat at the Esplanade breathing in second-hand smoke
- you were so caught up with the Jap version of "Journey to the West" and we teased you about "Chinese Robot"
- you left food on my table because I was dumb enough to run home to grab my notebook
- i made you walk all the way to Whitley, the wrong one. And you didn't scold me.
- i told you countless times how i'm amazed you do showbiz. I still am.
- we sat at Island Creamery, chatted the whole night and nearly forgot to go home.
- we ate brunch at Simply Bread, despite the impossible amount of work you have.
- we cluelessly explored 10 blocks of AMK at night and were thrown out together from ICU
- we sat in the wrong Macs waiting for the guy, and you had to explain filing and lines
- you threatened to leave me at a rubbish bin if I get drunk, but later insisted on sending me home
- we teased you about being squinty. You coined your own insult.
- you said I am short, only to tell me the next day that actually, you are shorter.
- we sat at Thai Express, eight people eating two desserts.
- I broke down in front of you, so you did all the talking, telling me what you felt, unbiased, was best for me.
- we ate sushi and laughed so much, we thought the chefs think we are mad. Our favourite pasttime is watching the conveyor belt.
Before I uproot myself to a temperate place, thank you for everything you have done and for leaving me a lot of memories. Though things won't, shouldn't and better not stay the same, keep in touch while we all change for the better! Heh. Take care and we will catch up, in a while, back in sunny SG.
email: ongrl@singnet.com.sg
MSN: zhai_helleva@hotmail.com
skype: windtothywings
Monday, September 18, 2006
Odd trio
This post is to the people who told me to update more often. So I shall do a straightforward post about them.
Sent Nic off yesterday with Xinen. And it just struck me how odd a bunch we are. Three Librans doing different things, with drastically different tastes in everything from food, fashion to books. It is really amazing how we got along and became good friends in less than a year, much better than some of my friends I have known for half of my life, literally. Think about it: one likes skinny, buttless, pale Japanese guys, one has a lot of pink things but doesn't like pink, and I have no fashion sense at all. Maybe that's why we haven't bored ourselves sick. Haha... island creamery, macs (specifically the braddell one), bad jokes (remember rentokil= rent-to-kill?), large doses of suanning each other, late nights and the sheer inertia of not wanting to go home. We started different, studying different courses in different places and will come back to different jobs. But still, we will remain the rather improbable good friends. Heh. =)
Sent Nic off yesterday with Xinen. And it just struck me how odd a bunch we are. Three Librans doing different things, with drastically different tastes in everything from food, fashion to books. It is really amazing how we got along and became good friends in less than a year, much better than some of my friends I have known for half of my life, literally. Think about it: one likes skinny, buttless, pale Japanese guys, one has a lot of pink things but doesn't like pink, and I have no fashion sense at all. Maybe that's why we haven't bored ourselves sick. Haha... island creamery, macs (specifically the braddell one), bad jokes (remember rentokil= rent-to-kill?), large doses of suanning each other, late nights and the sheer inertia of not wanting to go home. We started different, studying different courses in different places and will come back to different jobs. But still, we will remain the rather improbable good friends. Heh. =)
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Recently, went for lunch with a group of very nice, straight-talking people, and then rushed off to a meeting full of pleasantries and administrative intricacies. It has been hard adapting to the various social settings, especially if it is a very sudden switch. Having tried to meet too many different people in each week, all of whom I really enjoy being with, sometimes I fear rather irrationally of inadvertently saying the wrong thing and offending people. As some people know, it has gotten to the stage of me asking: "Hey, did i upset you?" It sounds really dumb. I used to think it's fine to just keep quiet and not talk at all if offence is a risk, but that strategy is not working cos it gives the impression of being dazed or pissed. And somehow, some time ago, keeping quiet at social outings ceased to be an option.
People have also told me different things, sometimes opposing advice, and I can't tell who will be right in the end. I can understand where they are coming from, but conscious choice is always hard. It is just a matter of lifestyle choices most of the time and different levels of morality/ apparent morality. It is also true that some people will be offended no matter what you do, and some are just from a different dimension altogether, so there is really not much point in accommodating them. Others just want to put you down.
URGH! I need to stop dithering, and just be myself.
People have also told me different things, sometimes opposing advice, and I can't tell who will be right in the end. I can understand where they are coming from, but conscious choice is always hard. It is just a matter of lifestyle choices most of the time and different levels of morality/ apparent morality. It is also true that some people will be offended no matter what you do, and some are just from a different dimension altogether, so there is really not much point in accommodating them. Others just want to put you down.
URGH! I need to stop dithering, and just be myself.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Unplugged
It seems odd how we surrender our lives to microchips, which we technical Plebians do not quite understand. They stop working at their whim and fancy, and there are no physical signs of damage.My two-month old laptop died on me over the weekend. It just continually froze and restarted itself, until eventually it stopped booting up altogether. The best part of it all: this symptom can be a result of numerous problems. That is as good as saying your cough can be caused my numerous diseases, ranging from the common cold to bronchitis.
Getting it back on its feet took three visits to Funan, and numerous hours of waiting. The whole experience was unnerving, though it very well should not have been. The possibility of watching 3k go down the drain in an instant is worrying. It felt like the laptop was holding my normal life ransom, and an equipment created to save time resulted in even more inconvenience.
And in a world where technology is said to create ever more distance between people, it is good service from the shop where i bought the machine that saved it. They could have just ignored the problem and brushed me aside by saying that they cannot do anything about it. Instead, they spent two afternoons fixing it, at no charge at all.
Getting it back on its feet took three visits to Funan, and numerous hours of waiting. The whole experience was unnerving, though it very well should not have been. The possibility of watching 3k go down the drain in an instant is worrying. It felt like the laptop was holding my normal life ransom, and an equipment created to save time resulted in even more inconvenience.
And in a world where technology is said to create ever more distance between people, it is good service from the shop where i bought the machine that saved it. They could have just ignored the problem and brushed me aside by saying that they cannot do anything about it. Instead, they spent two afternoons fixing it, at no charge at all.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Friends above fame
What is your destination in life? Life is a journey, the destination is death. That is true for everyone, whether or not you believe in afterlife. It is important that we all live life to the fullest, but hankering after the next big thing before we even finish with the first is a recipe for serial indigestion. Goals after goals, we want to go further and further. But if every step is merely a stepping stone, even in death there will be no fulfilment. To map everything out rationally may land us with the most irrational and undesirable of outcomes, i.e. nothing.
It is not necessary to earn your first million by the age of 30, or get a job with a title longer than this post. But it is important to be happy, with friends who will be honest, even brutally so, when you go wrong because they know you take their comments in good faith, who will do all the ditzy and ridiculous things with you and talk about the weirdest and most retarded things on earth. It does not matter where they came from, which school they are going to and where they may be working next time. These are just irrelevant data of little value. Sometimes it's not the journey, but the company. There is no point reaching whatever pinnacle when there is no one with whom you really want to share it. Paths will inevitably diverge and life gets lonely, but it is the lack of vested interests that makes friendships all the more real. It is the differences in backgrounds, tastes and experiences, that make the times together refreshing.
Be honest with me, if that is the side you want to know of me.
It is not necessary to earn your first million by the age of 30, or get a job with a title longer than this post. But it is important to be happy, with friends who will be honest, even brutally so, when you go wrong because they know you take their comments in good faith, who will do all the ditzy and ridiculous things with you and talk about the weirdest and most retarded things on earth. It does not matter where they came from, which school they are going to and where they may be working next time. These are just irrelevant data of little value. Sometimes it's not the journey, but the company. There is no point reaching whatever pinnacle when there is no one with whom you really want to share it. Paths will inevitably diverge and life gets lonely, but it is the lack of vested interests that makes friendships all the more real. It is the differences in backgrounds, tastes and experiences, that make the times together refreshing.
Be honest with me, if that is the side you want to know of me.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Fireworks
We just had the fireworks festival. The Lebanese had a rather different way of lighting the night sky, involuntarily of course. Meanwhile, some people tried to have the biggest and most destructive fireworks display in US, by flying in 10 planes from the UK. Somehow, temporary euphoric firework displays gave hope. But when we sat down and talked about our friends' and everyone else's problems, fireworks were just not going to provide anything more than temporary reprieve from the darkness. Unfortunate things are happening all over the world, and S'poreans have time and money to do fireworks.
Why blog? I think I found the answer to it in Naipaul's Among the Believers. This English teacher in Pakistan said in the book: "Writing is pain, all the rest is pleasure; but the day will come when writing is pleasure and all the rest is pain." Don't know where we are at this point in time.
Why blog? I think I found the answer to it in Naipaul's Among the Believers. This English teacher in Pakistan said in the book: "Writing is pain, all the rest is pleasure; but the day will come when writing is pleasure and all the rest is pain." Don't know where we are at this point in time.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Two odd things
Went to Little India today and in a short 3 plus hours, noticed 2 odd things.
Number 1: I took 857 there and back, and saw these hemispherical opaque objects attached to the front, back and somewhere in the middle near one of the aircon vents in the bus. They look like the security cameras near ATMs. Have no idea whether they are some new features I missed in the news and as of now, still don't know what to make of them.
Number 2: This is even more retarded. Was at this coffee shop at Kelantan Lane and this sign outside the toilet stated: "Those who are not customers of the coffee shop have to pay 10 cents." In that half an hour I was there, at least 5 people walked in to the coffee shop to use the toilet, and did not pay a single cent. The best part of it all, the sign was written in all four languages.
The extent of my extreme boredom...
Number 1: I took 857 there and back, and saw these hemispherical opaque objects attached to the front, back and somewhere in the middle near one of the aircon vents in the bus. They look like the security cameras near ATMs. Have no idea whether they are some new features I missed in the news and as of now, still don't know what to make of them.
Number 2: This is even more retarded. Was at this coffee shop at Kelantan Lane and this sign outside the toilet stated: "Those who are not customers of the coffee shop have to pay 10 cents." In that half an hour I was there, at least 5 people walked in to the coffee shop to use the toilet, and did not pay a single cent. The best part of it all, the sign was written in all four languages.
The extent of my extreme boredom...
Friday, August 04, 2006
PR = Public/ People/ Personal relations??
People come, and they go.
You ask for name, say nice things and ask for a little more details to help you remember the person. It may even be possible that you have spent substantial amounts of time together. Yet in the end, the person may have left a deep impression on you, but you have been quickly and easily forgotten. Its a bit like how we leave muddy footprints on the school field, but can never trace exactly where we have once set foot.
I hate PR events, with a vengeance. For one, they come across as quite artificial, and my inability to match names and faces usually mean I call the wrong people by the wrong names. :( For all the time I spend out socialising, I have very few friends actually. For the record, I have good friends I have known for a few months and I also know people for many years but know about as much as I would if I have met them yesterday. Sometimes, it is difficult to know if I know someone or the person they make yourself out to be. Insincerity sucks.
But for the few good friends I have, I say thank you for connecting with me, putting up with all my nonsense (awkward moments, bad jokes, weird logic, angsty rubbish, whiny blogposts, etc.) and let's not get disconnected easily like some unreliable stolen wireless connection. :)
P.S: If you actually bother and put up with reading this whiny and ungrammatical post, I most probably like you. :)
You ask for name, say nice things and ask for a little more details to help you remember the person. It may even be possible that you have spent substantial amounts of time together. Yet in the end, the person may have left a deep impression on you, but you have been quickly and easily forgotten. Its a bit like how we leave muddy footprints on the school field, but can never trace exactly where we have once set foot.
I hate PR events, with a vengeance. For one, they come across as quite artificial, and my inability to match names and faces usually mean I call the wrong people by the wrong names. :( For all the time I spend out socialising, I have very few friends actually. For the record, I have good friends I have known for a few months and I also know people for many years but know about as much as I would if I have met them yesterday. Sometimes, it is difficult to know if I know someone or the person they make yourself out to be. Insincerity sucks.
But for the few good friends I have, I say thank you for connecting with me, putting up with all my nonsense (awkward moments, bad jokes, weird logic, angsty rubbish, whiny blogposts, etc.) and let's not get disconnected easily like some unreliable stolen wireless connection. :)
P.S: If you actually bother and put up with reading this whiny and ungrammatical post, I most probably like you. :)
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
ramblings
There is too much angst in this page of late. Too unbalanced and too much bad blood, bad feelings and in the end, bad cryptic blogging. Admittedly, looking on the bright side has never been one of my strengths.
But in a world that is far from clear-cut and increasingly of varying shades, it is difficult to tell right from wrong. Or more like, more right from more wrong. (ok, clearly bad english.) People point in all sorts of directions, some say to relax and be more forgiving, some say to be more driven and hardworking, some say to be social and more outgoing. You can be nothing to everybody, something to each and everyone, but not everything to everyone. Maybe it will be easier to make less judgements and watch the world go by. But the fun part of things is always to look beyond the face value. Sometimes we strike gold, sometimes we see ugly slime. It reminds me of Princess Mononoke, in which those "affected" animals have snake-like evil things squirming under their skins. These things grow and spill out of any open wounds onto others' skins, thus infecting them (a less contagious version of HIV?!)
That is a long side track. Life is a lot easier if we just follow the flow, going down the path of least resistance. Like a rock thrown into a stream, you either go downstream or sit there and be gradually eroded.
But in a world that is far from clear-cut and increasingly of varying shades, it is difficult to tell right from wrong. Or more like, more right from more wrong. (ok, clearly bad english.) People point in all sorts of directions, some say to relax and be more forgiving, some say to be more driven and hardworking, some say to be social and more outgoing. You can be nothing to everybody, something to each and everyone, but not everything to everyone. Maybe it will be easier to make less judgements and watch the world go by. But the fun part of things is always to look beyond the face value. Sometimes we strike gold, sometimes we see ugly slime. It reminds me of Princess Mononoke, in which those "affected" animals have snake-like evil things squirming under their skins. These things grow and spill out of any open wounds onto others' skins, thus infecting them (a less contagious version of HIV?!)
That is a long side track. Life is a lot easier if we just follow the flow, going down the path of least resistance. Like a rock thrown into a stream, you either go downstream or sit there and be gradually eroded.
Friday, July 21, 2006
no right or wrong
It is a lot of grand finery, big words, colourful display... (like birds scaling and swooping to impress potential mates.) But facades are not meant to last forever. We only do it when we are expected to be on our best behaviour.
Behind that seemingly impressive grace and intellect, who exactly are we? It is what we do automatically for others, that defines the real us. It is who we are, when we think no one is watching. It is our responses when we are stressed and tired. It is our judgement of people.
Perhaps I am just an irredeemable idiot who mentally cuts to the chase.
It is difficult to know what people think about you, because most of them will neither tell nor show it. Even if they would say, it is a completely different matter the extent to which one would trust them. As seen in the recent structured psychological exercise, they take themselves as the yardstick and your strengths and weaknesses are all but relative.
Do we listen? Do we try to fit in? Do we become them? It is a difficult decision we make all the time. But it is all the harder when nearly everyone around you is well assimilated and you start wondering whether are you the one who is being inflexible and anti-social. It even becomes claustrophobic. But as with the word "assimilation", we connect, but only at a risk of losing who we really are. It is important to be social, but not to the extent of merging into a single homogenous blob.
Behind that seemingly impressive grace and intellect, who exactly are we? It is what we do automatically for others, that defines the real us. It is who we are, when we think no one is watching. It is our responses when we are stressed and tired. It is our judgement of people.
Perhaps I am just an irredeemable idiot who mentally cuts to the chase.
It is difficult to know what people think about you, because most of them will neither tell nor show it. Even if they would say, it is a completely different matter the extent to which one would trust them. As seen in the recent structured psychological exercise, they take themselves as the yardstick and your strengths and weaknesses are all but relative.
Do we listen? Do we try to fit in? Do we become them? It is a difficult decision we make all the time. But it is all the harder when nearly everyone around you is well assimilated and you start wondering whether are you the one who is being inflexible and anti-social. It even becomes claustrophobic. But as with the word "assimilation", we connect, but only at a risk of losing who we really are. It is important to be social, but not to the extent of merging into a single homogenous blob.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Frequencies
Went out with Xin en and Nic yesterday, talking rot over ice cream and twister fries. We had an amazingly good time, though most of it was gossip and light-hearted talk. There were no awkward silences, no worries about offending each other, no problems at all though we are in many ways significantly different. Talk about opposites attract. Somehow, the stress factor I feel with my course mates have never existed with these people. They completely took my mind off all the negative feelings I have had in the past few weeks and I felt totally relaxed and charged up.
If only we can still remain such good friends after uni, when we may all have changed a little or a lot and work places its demands on us. (At least we will completely understand if the reporter turns up very late and dinner appointments become supper. heehee.)
If only we can still remain such good friends after uni, when we may all have changed a little or a lot and work places its demands on us. (At least we will completely understand if the reporter turns up very late and dinner appointments become supper. heehee.)
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
What am I?
You can enslave me for $390,000. Or you may think I am not worth a cent. I am essentially the same person and my worth is determined by your valuation.
I am otherwise ordinary.
It hurts to be given special treatment, to the extent that you live in a controlled environment. We went for cooking lessons, and the instructors worry we will cut ourselves. We went to school, and was arranged to meet with nearly every single important soul in the school. It is alright not to know those who are important. They can communicate their ideas in thick and wordy reports which would get up to the powers that be. It is the atmosphere that matters, created by the numerous small voices each with a story to tell. It is far more important to reach out to them and understand their ideas and mentalities. The only way to really know and experience, is to mix with the general populace.
For others on scholarships, they may enjoy being treated differently, like Martian specimens to be admired and marvelled at a distance. For me, it only serves to make those who have-it more demanding as special treatment becomes the norm. We want to become leaders to serve the people, not to be put on a throne encased in a bell-jar. All will be manufactured. Even happiness will be artificial.
I may appear less than adequate to you, mannerisms, speech, family backgrounds etc. You may even think it is fine to make demands of me, as you may do to others. Sometimes I even feel relatively incapable and thus obliged to serve others above in the hierachy. I am no competition.
Let me be an ordinary soul who just tries her best. People who love ivory towers and bell jars can keep them to themselves.
To real friends: tell me in comments or tagboard if you think there's anything you don't like about me. seriously, anything. we will still be friends after that. =)
I am otherwise ordinary.
It hurts to be given special treatment, to the extent that you live in a controlled environment. We went for cooking lessons, and the instructors worry we will cut ourselves. We went to school, and was arranged to meet with nearly every single important soul in the school. It is alright not to know those who are important. They can communicate their ideas in thick and wordy reports which would get up to the powers that be. It is the atmosphere that matters, created by the numerous small voices each with a story to tell. It is far more important to reach out to them and understand their ideas and mentalities. The only way to really know and experience, is to mix with the general populace.
For others on scholarships, they may enjoy being treated differently, like Martian specimens to be admired and marvelled at a distance. For me, it only serves to make those who have-it more demanding as special treatment becomes the norm. We want to become leaders to serve the people, not to be put on a throne encased in a bell-jar. All will be manufactured. Even happiness will be artificial.
I may appear less than adequate to you, mannerisms, speech, family backgrounds etc. You may even think it is fine to make demands of me, as you may do to others. Sometimes I even feel relatively incapable and thus obliged to serve others above in the hierachy. I am no competition.
Let me be an ordinary soul who just tries her best. People who love ivory towers and bell jars can keep them to themselves.
To real friends: tell me in comments or tagboard if you think there's anything you don't like about me. seriously, anything. we will still be friends after that. =)
Saturday, June 24, 2006
different
Yesterday, I went back to tnp to collect claims together with nic and esther. More than a month after I left, there is none of the you-don't-belong-here-anymore feel. Had a nice chat with jl, mp and lc and said hi to so many other people. It feels great to be back in the buzz, and listen to xin en complain about how some celebrity thought she is from some tribe in China.
Today, went to scrawl on the nine-page document that seals my life for the next 10 years. It was alright, even good to get it over-and-done-with, except that much of the time we were stiff with formalities and quiet politeness. Perhaps most jobs are highly hierachical and ceremonial, and if we ever made any really good friends in the process, it is a blessing more than a normality.
And to seal it all off today, I was brutally insulted by this promoter at taka. When we asked what was the difference between 2 items to justify the difference in price, he simply told us directly to the effect that we should not ask because we cannot afford to buy the more expensive one.
If people from different sections of society cannot mix, so be it. Let me stay where I am and wear what I like, even if it becomes an odd disadvantage. Society writes for itself the definition of oddity.
Today, went to scrawl on the nine-page document that seals my life for the next 10 years. It was alright, even good to get it over-and-done-with, except that much of the time we were stiff with formalities and quiet politeness. Perhaps most jobs are highly hierachical and ceremonial, and if we ever made any really good friends in the process, it is a blessing more than a normality.
And to seal it all off today, I was brutally insulted by this promoter at taka. When we asked what was the difference between 2 items to justify the difference in price, he simply told us directly to the effect that we should not ask because we cannot afford to buy the more expensive one.
If people from different sections of society cannot mix, so be it. Let me stay where I am and wear what I like, even if it becomes an odd disadvantage. Society writes for itself the definition of oddity.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Leaving Behind
Memories are the milestones of our path, mentally and emotionally marking our journey. Many things can trigger a flood of happy memories. Everything from fishhead curry to chinese papers headlines. It has been a whole month since I left TNP, where I have slogged for five months straight. At times, I have been, at the same time, crazily buzy, deliriously happy, completely confused and zonked out. It is a whirlpool of madness that just overwhelms and takes over, even if you tried to walk out on it. But it was great, challenging, even satisfying. Perhaps it is the masochistic streak in me that leaves me missing this job. Or maybe I am a creature of habit. I still look at odd people investigatively and gravitate near (instead of away from) police cordons, as Belle will tell you.
Memories only turn disastrous when they leave you wallowing in the past. The past, present and future cannot overlap, except in our minds which draw fascinating connections. To hope that the future will be like the past is to be a cat chasing its own tail. While I get rid of all the quirky pseudo-reporting habits, those days will be sediments left on the shore/bank after a very high tide.
Memories only turn disastrous when they leave you wallowing in the past. The past, present and future cannot overlap, except in our minds which draw fascinating connections. To hope that the future will be like the past is to be a cat chasing its own tail. While I get rid of all the quirky pseudo-reporting habits, those days will be sediments left on the shore/bank after a very high tide.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Shine festival
This is a publicity post for my friend. He is organising a scrapbook competition called SCRAPS as part of the Shine Festival. The submission deadline is 7 July. ;p. Check out http://scraps.youth.sg for more details.
Have a good day!
Have a good day!
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Owls' inspiration
It was a some-would-say trashy fantasy series, but the characters feel so real in their struggles.
The boy who was blamed for all the mishaps, grew used to feeling guilty for things beyond his control. He who was made to feel like a burden, believed in his incapabilities more than what he could potentially do. Nothing he could do could have been right. He was not himself, but a part of the sleepy, inward-looking and conservative village. Yet he surprised his adopted kin, time and again, with independence and thoughtfulness beyond his age.
His teacher sacrificed to defend the village, but everyone had for a long time, thought he was out to cheat them for a living.
The under-appreciated seem to cope, by turning themselves inwards and convincing themselves of their apparent worthlessness. On the other hand, one has to be immensely confident to be unshakened by deprecating remarks. People have to fit somehow.
The girl who was blessed with the Healer's gift became so engrossed with saving lives she almost sacrificed herself. But prior to that, she almost became a hermit because her gift almost went out of control, making her feel everyone's emotions and physical discomforts.
It is odd how some people feel others' pains, but cannot let it show. Others do not seem to feel at all and let fly hurting comments.
On another note, it is amazing how in a single day, I have been said to be calculative, uptight and cooperative. Well, I am the same person, but what you think of me is as much my doing as your own conditioning.
The boy who was blamed for all the mishaps, grew used to feeling guilty for things beyond his control. He who was made to feel like a burden, believed in his incapabilities more than what he could potentially do. Nothing he could do could have been right. He was not himself, but a part of the sleepy, inward-looking and conservative village. Yet he surprised his adopted kin, time and again, with independence and thoughtfulness beyond his age.
His teacher sacrificed to defend the village, but everyone had for a long time, thought he was out to cheat them for a living.
The under-appreciated seem to cope, by turning themselves inwards and convincing themselves of their apparent worthlessness. On the other hand, one has to be immensely confident to be unshakened by deprecating remarks. People have to fit somehow.
The girl who was blessed with the Healer's gift became so engrossed with saving lives she almost sacrificed herself. But prior to that, she almost became a hermit because her gift almost went out of control, making her feel everyone's emotions and physical discomforts.
It is odd how some people feel others' pains, but cannot let it show. Others do not seem to feel at all and let fly hurting comments.
On another note, it is amazing how in a single day, I have been said to be calculative, uptight and cooperative. Well, I am the same person, but what you think of me is as much my doing as your own conditioning.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Established chaos
Trails appear in grasslands because someone decided to trudge through the mud and others followed. Even set ways and concrete paths are built by men trodding on hitherto untrampled grounds. I cannot be the strait-laced, obedient, accepting and uncritical person you thought was good for that kind of job. I have not changed, as you said. Those "qualities" have never been in me.
But the right of way has to be reasoned out, substantiated, not taken for granted. If something has existed since time immemorial, it does not necessarily mean it is right. That is why religion is a faith, to be believed in, not to be argued out.
Being quiet never equated unthinking subservience. Change will not take place overnight. It has to be effected gradually, through gradual nudges. No one woke up one morning and decided to start a revolution. Think of ways to change things, not ways to turn established ideas into chaos.
And on an unrelated note, confidence is not cockiness.
Stoicism and a lack of emotions does not equate being grouchy.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Private sphere, public space
Note: I have just deleted the cryptic posts and those which may be in the slightest way deemed work-related and sensitive. =)
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Relativity
Results are 3As and a B for all who want to know. No fight for the hundreds of people with 4As, but otherwise no reason to be upset about it. That slip is important for scholarships, universities and the like, but it is not life. I am worth more than a handful of alphabets printed on recycled paper.
It is striking the way the same set of results draw different reactions in various settings. Among the high achievers in Hwa Chong, I am a small fry, if not a disappointment, someone who may not make it to the list of scholars. The focus is of course, academic. My rather concerned boss emphasised that there is no need to kill ourselves over a set of results. He is far removed from the times of a levels, and since then grade inflation has been significant.To my granddad who does not understand the system, all he wants to know is "good" or "no good". My rather more discerning uncle is only concerned with scholarships, reserving his comments until I clarified that it is still possible to go overseas.
Results change perceptions, just as the same set of results elicit different judgements. Some with stellar results, have the road ahead paved carefully in stone, and thus spurn the mud trails and the accompanying sceneries which they have hitherto professed to enjoy. Others less fortunate and/or hardworking (however you put it), now tread ever more cautiously on these undefined tracks. Beggars cannot be choosers.
I cut it close, perhaps a little too close for comfort. However, all roads lead to Rome. All that differs is the journey and the associated level of ease, affluence and fame. It is alright to go on a wild adventure by myself. I am myself and not a list of achievements, which matters little in the end. We only live once, and will all eventually crumble to dust.
It is striking the way the same set of results draw different reactions in various settings. Among the high achievers in Hwa Chong, I am a small fry, if not a disappointment, someone who may not make it to the list of scholars. The focus is of course, academic. My rather concerned boss emphasised that there is no need to kill ourselves over a set of results. He is far removed from the times of a levels, and since then grade inflation has been significant.To my granddad who does not understand the system, all he wants to know is "good" or "no good". My rather more discerning uncle is only concerned with scholarships, reserving his comments until I clarified that it is still possible to go overseas.
Results change perceptions, just as the same set of results elicit different judgements. Some with stellar results, have the road ahead paved carefully in stone, and thus spurn the mud trails and the accompanying sceneries which they have hitherto professed to enjoy. Others less fortunate and/or hardworking (however you put it), now tread ever more cautiously on these undefined tracks. Beggars cannot be choosers.
I cut it close, perhaps a little too close for comfort. However, all roads lead to Rome. All that differs is the journey and the associated level of ease, affluence and fame. It is alright to go on a wild adventure by myself. I am myself and not a list of achievements, which matters little in the end. We only live once, and will all eventually crumble to dust.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Decline. and. Fall.
Expectations cannot coincide with reality, and both of which are closely attached to the emotional state. To set high goals without a view of the ground, is to take too much risk and set ourselves up for possible disappointment somewhere down the road. It thus seems necessary sometimes, to lower goals and expectations to be at peace with ourselves. The process is extremely painful as you digress from the intended path, straying from the well-lit path well-travelled by horse carriages and into the bushes where only the foolhardy will care to explore. Straying may be the result of circumstances, in which one does not have the luxury of choice. Yet it may be a blessing in disguise, as there is no point insisting on joining a particular class if in the process we lose ourselves. The result will be similar to Paul Pennyfeather's whirlwind experience with Margot Bestchetwynde, summarised in Otto Silenus' ferris wheel at Luna Park. I saw how my uncle's high-flying friends are stiff and formal, deficient in humour and spontaneity. Yet, reducing personal expectations is to let myself off too easily, because lessons without significant emotional scars will be easily forgotten.
I cannot return to the past and wilfully erase the mistakes. Yet, they will not hold me back as long as I have another day to live.
I cannot return to the past and wilfully erase the mistakes. Yet, they will not hold me back as long as I have another day to live.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
two months into tabloid writing
This whole week has been a quiet one spent working on one assignment that is due next tuesday. Perhaps I am just a very slow worker. Yet on the whole I have been unbelievably lucky. I manage to track down all three targets and have nice and long conversations with them, even if they have just undergone 12 hours of gruelling work. They answered amicably to all the questions I ask, even really personal and somewhat embarrassing ones. Thanks to them, I will not have to tell my boss that I have failed the mission. Besides, in comparison with my friend at zb, I have received a great amount of coaching from very nice people. My friend is left on her own after following expert reporters for a week. After two months, I still collaborate with the experts on stories and can ask them if anything crops up.
On the other hand, I cannot believe I spent nearly 3 hours on Coyote, typing something like 30cm worth. It partly has to do with my bad handwriting in my notebook and partly how the story refuses to stick together as a coherent whole. Perhaps I am becoming very nit-picky with this particular piece since I have so much time to get it done.
I think I am addicted to my job. Even though I really will not like to be on the other end of the line, being harrassed by someone you never knew existed. At times, it feels like I am initiated into other people's lives. At other times, I am an intruder, rudely prying into secrets and precious information.
My apologies to good friends who have constantly received work-related smses and calls from me. Admittedly, I do ask extremely odd questions sometimes, but tabloid reporters do not have much choice with regard to this. Sorry for bugging you, I know you too have your work-related difficulties.
.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
It is odd how we want freedom, but have a very large degree of self-control, such that we do not use our freedom to its legitimate limits. We fear sanction, for its unknown potential to cause grievous harm. It is amusing how my uncle warned me against writing anything that may be even slightly anti-establishment in the most indirect way, because "it is an election year". We are not about to write a piece the equivalent of the cartoons published by the Danish paper that insulted the Islamic faith. My parents were shocked that the paper published a piece on lift upgrading in opposition wards. People want media freedom, but they do not know what to do with it. This is similar to the campaign for free speech and a speaker's corner, which is now derelict, sparsely populated and has unobtrusively merged back into the broader landscape of Chinatown. We want the space to express an individuality that has never existed.
On the other hand, I cannot believe I spent nearly 3 hours on Coyote, typing something like 30cm worth. It partly has to do with my bad handwriting in my notebook and partly how the story refuses to stick together as a coherent whole. Perhaps I am becoming very nit-picky with this particular piece since I have so much time to get it done.
I think I am addicted to my job. Even though I really will not like to be on the other end of the line, being harrassed by someone you never knew existed. At times, it feels like I am initiated into other people's lives. At other times, I am an intruder, rudely prying into secrets and precious information.
My apologies to good friends who have constantly received work-related smses and calls from me. Admittedly, I do ask extremely odd questions sometimes, but tabloid reporters do not have much choice with regard to this. Sorry for bugging you, I know you too have your work-related difficulties.
.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
It is odd how we want freedom, but have a very large degree of self-control, such that we do not use our freedom to its legitimate limits. We fear sanction, for its unknown potential to cause grievous harm. It is amusing how my uncle warned me against writing anything that may be even slightly anti-establishment in the most indirect way, because "it is an election year". We are not about to write a piece the equivalent of the cartoons published by the Danish paper that insulted the Islamic faith. My parents were shocked that the paper published a piece on lift upgrading in opposition wards. People want media freedom, but they do not know what to do with it. This is similar to the campaign for free speech and a speaker's corner, which is now derelict, sparsely populated and has unobtrusively merged back into the broader landscape of Chinatown. We want the space to express an individuality that has never existed.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Alive.
The dream of becoming a psc scholarship to oxford has been my primary motivation in the past 2 years at least. Things have not turned out that way. I failed to make it to oxford, and even the top 30 list in school. It was strange how 3As and 1B at prelims, 120 hours of CIP and 2 CCA positions still failed to put me in the school's good books.
Yet, I am not very upset by it. I feel betrayed, but has grown so careless about it I cannot be bothered to pursue the matter. It does not matter to me that I will never enter the league of oxbridge hc alumni. After all, I am just a name out of many on the school's register, worth nearly nothing to them. They celebrate the glorious, and conveniently forget the fallen. I can tell B.e.r.n.s I don't care about prestige or reputation, because I really do not.
My life is not going as planned, and unlike some who have gotten scholarship offers or have private sponsorship, I still have no idea where I will be at the end of the year. I used to plan everything and hate meaningless conversations, our "prancing and chattering on our little stage of evolution" with all its irregularities. Now I cannot even decide what time I am going to have dinner. (for the record: I ate dinner last Wednesday as breakfast on Thursday at 12.30am, because of a wild expedition to KKH with Sam.f.)
Yet, I have not felt so alive in a long time. Planning has given way to spontaneity. The introvert has learnt to talk to others, and enjoy it. The rationalist has learnt to feel for others at the same time. The born pessimist is now not too worked up about incidental misfortunes in her life. So many things have changed in such a short span of time. I will survive.
Yet, I am not very upset by it. I feel betrayed, but has grown so careless about it I cannot be bothered to pursue the matter. It does not matter to me that I will never enter the league of oxbridge hc alumni. After all, I am just a name out of many on the school's register, worth nearly nothing to them. They celebrate the glorious, and conveniently forget the fallen. I can tell B.e.r.n.s I don't care about prestige or reputation, because I really do not.
My life is not going as planned, and unlike some who have gotten scholarship offers or have private sponsorship, I still have no idea where I will be at the end of the year. I used to plan everything and hate meaningless conversations, our "prancing and chattering on our little stage of evolution" with all its irregularities. Now I cannot even decide what time I am going to have dinner. (for the record: I ate dinner last Wednesday as breakfast on Thursday at 12.30am, because of a wild expedition to KKH with Sam.f.)
Yet, I have not felt so alive in a long time. Planning has given way to spontaneity. The introvert has learnt to talk to others, and enjoy it. The rationalist has learnt to feel for others at the same time. The born pessimist is now not too worked up about incidental misfortunes in her life. So many things have changed in such a short span of time. I will survive.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Places
I went to a cemetery on Friday. It was a solemn and eerie feeling seeing rows and rows of stones marking the had-beens. They came and went. The soil I stood on may be filled with what will be left of someone now alive, as we all eventually return to earth and degenerate into dust.
It is odd how all of us, regardless of our differences will become the same in the end. Tombstones marking plots of land are artificial. The segregation of burial grounds for different faiths is created by the living. When the living requires the space where you supposedly rest, they will take it away. As a plot is exhumed, new bodies arrive to fill the empty space at the other end of the cemetery.
.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
I was wandering in Raffles City last Sunday, some time past midnight. The bustling shopping centre is quiet and lifeless, but filled with needless echoes. The terracotta soldiers on display are just absolutely freaky in their life-like statures. Mannequins stood behind glass windows which shimmer a green light. "Orange lollies on silver sticks." My heels clacked on the polished tiles, as I rushed to the washroom and back, to the good company of people, real ones.
.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
I have had a lot of problems in the past two years, but there is a lot I should be thankful for. Some people have gotten in the way, wittingly or unwittingly, as if they are just bound to curse me. Naming them will not help, I don't think they know what they have done. They do not judge me objectively, but I will survive.
Perhaps, troubled times are over. I have met an amazing number of really nice people in the past month, who have been guiding and teaching me a lot, including how not to get in trouble. They helped me get the necessary contacts, even though it was a really round-about way. They stayed to edit my disasters, even though they did not really have to. God knows how on earth am I going to repay these people.
It is odd how all of us, regardless of our differences will become the same in the end. Tombstones marking plots of land are artificial. The segregation of burial grounds for different faiths is created by the living. When the living requires the space where you supposedly rest, they will take it away. As a plot is exhumed, new bodies arrive to fill the empty space at the other end of the cemetery.
.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
I was wandering in Raffles City last Sunday, some time past midnight. The bustling shopping centre is quiet and lifeless, but filled with needless echoes. The terracotta soldiers on display are just absolutely freaky in their life-like statures. Mannequins stood behind glass windows which shimmer a green light. "Orange lollies on silver sticks." My heels clacked on the polished tiles, as I rushed to the washroom and back, to the good company of people, real ones.
.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
I have had a lot of problems in the past two years, but there is a lot I should be thankful for. Some people have gotten in the way, wittingly or unwittingly, as if they are just bound to curse me. Naming them will not help, I don't think they know what they have done. They do not judge me objectively, but I will survive.
Perhaps, troubled times are over. I have met an amazing number of really nice people in the past month, who have been guiding and teaching me a lot, including how not to get in trouble. They helped me get the necessary contacts, even though it was a really round-about way. They stayed to edit my disasters, even though they did not really have to. God knows how on earth am I going to repay these people.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
la ville lumiere
Light is often seen as representing progress and civilisation. Yet, it is also an outward projection of our fears of darkness, a creation of a false sense of security. We need to see what we are up against, who our enemies are. Darkness breeds ambiguity, which humans detest.
Singaporeans have become so used to brightness. Evenly placed lights lining every street shine through the night. It is unnatural, yet we have no qualms about it. The urban environment is our natural habitat. The road outside my workplace is admittedly slightly dim. They are now installing streetlights there as well. Additional unnecessary expenditures that perhaps cultivate the weakness of spirit.
150 years ago, our ancestors lived by a single kerosene lamp in each household, and France tried to illuminate the region with the light of civilisation. Now, there are still countries in need of electrical lighting.
Singaporeans have become so used to brightness. Evenly placed lights lining every street shine through the night. It is unnatural, yet we have no qualms about it. The urban environment is our natural habitat. The road outside my workplace is admittedly slightly dim. They are now installing streetlights there as well. Additional unnecessary expenditures that perhaps cultivate the weakness of spirit.
150 years ago, our ancestors lived by a single kerosene lamp in each household, and France tried to illuminate the region with the light of civilisation. Now, there are still countries in need of electrical lighting.
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