Alive.

The dream of becoming a psc scholarship to oxford has been my primary motivation in the past 2 years at least. Things have not turned out that way. I failed to make it to oxford, and even the top 30 list in school. It was strange how 3As and 1B at prelims, 120 hours of CIP and 2 CCA positions still failed to put me in the school's good books.

Yet, I am not very upset by it. I feel betrayed, but has grown so careless about it I cannot be bothered to pursue the matter. It does not matter to me that I will never enter the league of oxbridge hc alumni. After all, I am just a name out of many on the school's register, worth nearly nothing to them. They celebrate the glorious, and conveniently forget the fallen. I can tell B.e.r.n.s I don't care about prestige or reputation, because I really do not.

My life is not going as planned, and unlike some who have gotten scholarship offers or have private sponsorship, I still have no idea where I will be at the end of the year. I used to plan everything and hate meaningless conversations, our "prancing and chattering on our little stage of evolution" with all its irregularities. Now I cannot even decide what time I am going to have dinner. (for the record: I ate dinner last Wednesday as breakfast on Thursday at 12.30am, because of a wild expedition to KKH with Sam.f.)

Yet, I have not felt so alive in a long time. Planning has given way to spontaneity. The introvert has learnt to talk to others, and enjoy it. The rationalist has learnt to feel for others at the same time. The born pessimist is now not too worked up about incidental misfortunes in her life. So many things have changed in such a short span of time. I will survive.