People come, and they go.
You ask for name, say nice things and ask for a little more details to help you remember the person. It may even be possible that you have spent substantial amounts of time together. Yet in the end, the person may have left a deep impression on you, but you have been quickly and easily forgotten. Its a bit like how we leave muddy footprints on the school field, but can never trace exactly where we have once set foot.
I hate PR events, with a vengeance. For one, they come across as quite artificial, and my inability to match names and faces usually mean I call the wrong people by the wrong names. :( For all the time I spend out socialising, I have very few friends actually. For the record, I have good friends I have known for a few months and I also know people for many years but know about as much as I would if I have met them yesterday. Sometimes, it is difficult to know if I know someone or the person they make yourself out to be. Insincerity sucks.
But for the few good friends I have, I say thank you for connecting with me, putting up with all my nonsense (awkward moments, bad jokes, weird logic, angsty rubbish, whiny blogposts, etc.) and let's not get disconnected easily like some unreliable stolen wireless connection. :)
P.S: If you actually bother and put up with reading this whiny and ungrammatical post, I most probably like you. :)
Friday, August 04, 2006
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
ramblings
There is too much angst in this page of late. Too unbalanced and too much bad blood, bad feelings and in the end, bad cryptic blogging. Admittedly, looking on the bright side has never been one of my strengths.
But in a world that is far from clear-cut and increasingly of varying shades, it is difficult to tell right from wrong. Or more like, more right from more wrong. (ok, clearly bad english.) People point in all sorts of directions, some say to relax and be more forgiving, some say to be more driven and hardworking, some say to be social and more outgoing. You can be nothing to everybody, something to each and everyone, but not everything to everyone. Maybe it will be easier to make less judgements and watch the world go by. But the fun part of things is always to look beyond the face value. Sometimes we strike gold, sometimes we see ugly slime. It reminds me of Princess Mononoke, in which those "affected" animals have snake-like evil things squirming under their skins. These things grow and spill out of any open wounds onto others' skins, thus infecting them (a less contagious version of HIV?!)
That is a long side track. Life is a lot easier if we just follow the flow, going down the path of least resistance. Like a rock thrown into a stream, you either go downstream or sit there and be gradually eroded.
But in a world that is far from clear-cut and increasingly of varying shades, it is difficult to tell right from wrong. Or more like, more right from more wrong. (ok, clearly bad english.) People point in all sorts of directions, some say to relax and be more forgiving, some say to be more driven and hardworking, some say to be social and more outgoing. You can be nothing to everybody, something to each and everyone, but not everything to everyone. Maybe it will be easier to make less judgements and watch the world go by. But the fun part of things is always to look beyond the face value. Sometimes we strike gold, sometimes we see ugly slime. It reminds me of Princess Mononoke, in which those "affected" animals have snake-like evil things squirming under their skins. These things grow and spill out of any open wounds onto others' skins, thus infecting them (a less contagious version of HIV?!)
That is a long side track. Life is a lot easier if we just follow the flow, going down the path of least resistance. Like a rock thrown into a stream, you either go downstream or sit there and be gradually eroded.
Friday, July 21, 2006
no right or wrong
It is a lot of grand finery, big words, colourful display... (like birds scaling and swooping to impress potential mates.) But facades are not meant to last forever. We only do it when we are expected to be on our best behaviour.
Behind that seemingly impressive grace and intellect, who exactly are we? It is what we do automatically for others, that defines the real us. It is who we are, when we think no one is watching. It is our responses when we are stressed and tired. It is our judgement of people.
Perhaps I am just an irredeemable idiot who mentally cuts to the chase.
It is difficult to know what people think about you, because most of them will neither tell nor show it. Even if they would say, it is a completely different matter the extent to which one would trust them. As seen in the recent structured psychological exercise, they take themselves as the yardstick and your strengths and weaknesses are all but relative.
Do we listen? Do we try to fit in? Do we become them? It is a difficult decision we make all the time. But it is all the harder when nearly everyone around you is well assimilated and you start wondering whether are you the one who is being inflexible and anti-social. It even becomes claustrophobic. But as with the word "assimilation", we connect, but only at a risk of losing who we really are. It is important to be social, but not to the extent of merging into a single homogenous blob.
Behind that seemingly impressive grace and intellect, who exactly are we? It is what we do automatically for others, that defines the real us. It is who we are, when we think no one is watching. It is our responses when we are stressed and tired. It is our judgement of people.
Perhaps I am just an irredeemable idiot who mentally cuts to the chase.
It is difficult to know what people think about you, because most of them will neither tell nor show it. Even if they would say, it is a completely different matter the extent to which one would trust them. As seen in the recent structured psychological exercise, they take themselves as the yardstick and your strengths and weaknesses are all but relative.
Do we listen? Do we try to fit in? Do we become them? It is a difficult decision we make all the time. But it is all the harder when nearly everyone around you is well assimilated and you start wondering whether are you the one who is being inflexible and anti-social. It even becomes claustrophobic. But as with the word "assimilation", we connect, but only at a risk of losing who we really are. It is important to be social, but not to the extent of merging into a single homogenous blob.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Frequencies
Went out with Xin en and Nic yesterday, talking rot over ice cream and twister fries. We had an amazingly good time, though most of it was gossip and light-hearted talk. There were no awkward silences, no worries about offending each other, no problems at all though we are in many ways significantly different. Talk about opposites attract. Somehow, the stress factor I feel with my course mates have never existed with these people. They completely took my mind off all the negative feelings I have had in the past few weeks and I felt totally relaxed and charged up.
If only we can still remain such good friends after uni, when we may all have changed a little or a lot and work places its demands on us. (At least we will completely understand if the reporter turns up very late and dinner appointments become supper. heehee.)
If only we can still remain such good friends after uni, when we may all have changed a little or a lot and work places its demands on us. (At least we will completely understand if the reporter turns up very late and dinner appointments become supper. heehee.)
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
What am I?
You can enslave me for $390,000. Or you may think I am not worth a cent. I am essentially the same person and my worth is determined by your valuation.
I am otherwise ordinary.
It hurts to be given special treatment, to the extent that you live in a controlled environment. We went for cooking lessons, and the instructors worry we will cut ourselves. We went to school, and was arranged to meet with nearly every single important soul in the school. It is alright not to know those who are important. They can communicate their ideas in thick and wordy reports which would get up to the powers that be. It is the atmosphere that matters, created by the numerous small voices each with a story to tell. It is far more important to reach out to them and understand their ideas and mentalities. The only way to really know and experience, is to mix with the general populace.
For others on scholarships, they may enjoy being treated differently, like Martian specimens to be admired and marvelled at a distance. For me, it only serves to make those who have-it more demanding as special treatment becomes the norm. We want to become leaders to serve the people, not to be put on a throne encased in a bell-jar. All will be manufactured. Even happiness will be artificial.
I may appear less than adequate to you, mannerisms, speech, family backgrounds etc. You may even think it is fine to make demands of me, as you may do to others. Sometimes I even feel relatively incapable and thus obliged to serve others above in the hierachy. I am no competition.
Let me be an ordinary soul who just tries her best. People who love ivory towers and bell jars can keep them to themselves.
To real friends: tell me in comments or tagboard if you think there's anything you don't like about me. seriously, anything. we will still be friends after that. =)
I am otherwise ordinary.
It hurts to be given special treatment, to the extent that you live in a controlled environment. We went for cooking lessons, and the instructors worry we will cut ourselves. We went to school, and was arranged to meet with nearly every single important soul in the school. It is alright not to know those who are important. They can communicate their ideas in thick and wordy reports which would get up to the powers that be. It is the atmosphere that matters, created by the numerous small voices each with a story to tell. It is far more important to reach out to them and understand their ideas and mentalities. The only way to really know and experience, is to mix with the general populace.
For others on scholarships, they may enjoy being treated differently, like Martian specimens to be admired and marvelled at a distance. For me, it only serves to make those who have-it more demanding as special treatment becomes the norm. We want to become leaders to serve the people, not to be put on a throne encased in a bell-jar. All will be manufactured. Even happiness will be artificial.
I may appear less than adequate to you, mannerisms, speech, family backgrounds etc. You may even think it is fine to make demands of me, as you may do to others. Sometimes I even feel relatively incapable and thus obliged to serve others above in the hierachy. I am no competition.
Let me be an ordinary soul who just tries her best. People who love ivory towers and bell jars can keep them to themselves.
To real friends: tell me in comments or tagboard if you think there's anything you don't like about me. seriously, anything. we will still be friends after that. =)
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