Thursday, October 13, 2005
Effervescence of Dreams
Passion and Dreams, are they actual motivations or simply childish optimism? They are often uttered simply to maintain a glimpse of hope, in the buffeting winds of cynicism and realities. Passion, hard work and drive may in fact not take us anywhere. Growing up perhaps means recognising the limits of our endeavours, just like how we have ceased having grand ambitions of becoming the president or prime minister. Somehow, knowing our limits do not reduce the pains of unfulfilled dreams and futility of effort, just as in The Solitaire Mystery, "the one who sees through destiny must also live through it". The pain has always been present, the only difference is between regret for not trying and the disappointment in failure. It all depends on our ability to comprehend it and bear it stoically. Try, even if dreams and even ourselves, disappear like Ariel into bubbles.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Results!
down to the essence of JC life: how many As?
A for math, econs, B for lit. Hist is for tomorrow to worry about.
Need to find some way to stop messing up my lit papers... (for the record: 30 for one of the PC pieces; 31 for Othello. Grrr.) Afterall, I need 4 As, and I need a scholarship if I am ever to dream of going overseas (of course, preferably oxford, after spending 92.77 singapore dollars on application.)
There may be more rantings tomorrow. It all depends.
A for math, econs, B for lit. Hist is for tomorrow to worry about.
Need to find some way to stop messing up my lit papers... (for the record: 30 for one of the PC pieces; 31 for Othello. Grrr.) Afterall, I need 4 As, and I need a scholarship if I am ever to dream of going overseas (of course, preferably oxford, after spending 92.77 singapore dollars on application.)
There may be more rantings tomorrow. It all depends.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Utopia
Utopia
Island where all becomes clear.
Solid ground beneath your feet.
The only roads are those that offer access.
Bushes bend beneath the weight of proofs.
The Tree of Valid Supposition grows here
with branches disentangled since time immemorial.
The Tree of Understanding, dazzlingly straight and simple,
sprouts by the spring called Now I Get It.
The thicker the woods, the vaster the vista:
the Valley of Obviously.
If any doubts arise, the wind dispels them instantly.
Echoes stir unsummoned
and eagerly explain all the secrets of the worlds.
On the right a cave where Meaning lies.
On the left the Lake of Deep Conviction.
Truth breaks from the bottom and bobs to the surface.
Unshakable Confidence towers over the valley.
Its peak offers an excellent view of the Essence of Things.
For all its charms, the island is uninhabited,
and the faint footprints scattered on its beaches
turn without exception to the sea.
As if all you can do here is leave
and plunge, never to return, into the depths.
Into unfathomable life.
By Wislawa Szymborska
To leave certainty and meaning, to search for adventure. Is that misguidedness, misadventure or part of human hubris? Seeking ambitions, I drift further away from shore, perhaps on the brink of drowning. Even truths previously unadulterated in the childish minds, such as striving for perfection, speaking the truth and other moral standards, have almost all been shattered by adult, societal necessities. Every single deviation has been conveniently described by my parents as "life is like that". There is nothing much I can do, the waves push me on. The future is uncertain, the past is the only thing that has so far been decided. Yet, even the past as created by humans, is neither the truth, nor terribly lucid.
One day, I may just turn around and struggle towards the shore. I am not so ambitious as to seek the truth of the world, just the essence of my own being.
Island where all becomes clear.
Solid ground beneath your feet.
The only roads are those that offer access.
Bushes bend beneath the weight of proofs.
The Tree of Valid Supposition grows here
with branches disentangled since time immemorial.
The Tree of Understanding, dazzlingly straight and simple,
sprouts by the spring called Now I Get It.
The thicker the woods, the vaster the vista:
the Valley of Obviously.
If any doubts arise, the wind dispels them instantly.
Echoes stir unsummoned
and eagerly explain all the secrets of the worlds.
On the right a cave where Meaning lies.
On the left the Lake of Deep Conviction.
Truth breaks from the bottom and bobs to the surface.
Unshakable Confidence towers over the valley.
Its peak offers an excellent view of the Essence of Things.
For all its charms, the island is uninhabited,
and the faint footprints scattered on its beaches
turn without exception to the sea.
As if all you can do here is leave
and plunge, never to return, into the depths.
Into unfathomable life.
By Wislawa Szymborska
To leave certainty and meaning, to search for adventure. Is that misguidedness, misadventure or part of human hubris? Seeking ambitions, I drift further away from shore, perhaps on the brink of drowning. Even truths previously unadulterated in the childish minds, such as striving for perfection, speaking the truth and other moral standards, have almost all been shattered by adult, societal necessities. Every single deviation has been conveniently described by my parents as "life is like that". There is nothing much I can do, the waves push me on. The future is uncertain, the past is the only thing that has so far been decided. Yet, even the past as created by humans, is neither the truth, nor terribly lucid.
One day, I may just turn around and struggle towards the shore. I am not so ambitious as to seek the truth of the world, just the essence of my own being.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Iknowyouknowiknowyouknowiknow
1. this has none of the sexual references of "carnal knowledge" from which the title is taken. Just to highlight the intensely self-indulgent and private nature of this post. So really, IGNORE the following paragraph.
Exams have finally ended today, but you have to be insensitive and dig at past unhappiness yesterday, while I was panicking over welfare economics and ISLM. It is not that I have changed fundamentally, the cut that has been made is way too deep. I have just stopped whining about it, just because it has scabbed over, but never heals completely. You need not remind me how much I hate him, just when life is returning to normal and I gloss over past hurt. My anger has not died out, just that it now isn't the raging fire it once was. It's glowing, like hot coal, producing insidious smoke that threatens like Isadora's scarves. The "you" here, will never find out about this post. The "him" here will never find out either, even if he chances upon my blog. I have kept it vague, deliberately. I am sounding like Plath. (This is not good.)
Exams have ended, though there is a sense of temporary reprieve, there isn't the sense of freedom. I have a bad sense of foreboding about results.
Exams have finally ended today, but you have to be insensitive and dig at past unhappiness yesterday, while I was panicking over welfare economics and ISLM. It is not that I have changed fundamentally, the cut that has been made is way too deep. I have just stopped whining about it, just because it has scabbed over, but never heals completely. You need not remind me how much I hate him, just when life is returning to normal and I gloss over past hurt. My anger has not died out, just that it now isn't the raging fire it once was. It's glowing, like hot coal, producing insidious smoke that threatens like Isadora's scarves. The "you" here, will never find out about this post. The "him" here will never find out either, even if he chances upon my blog. I have kept it vague, deliberately. I am sounding like Plath. (This is not good.)
Exams have ended, though there is a sense of temporary reprieve, there isn't the sense of freedom. I have a bad sense of foreboding about results.
Friday, September 23, 2005
crazy musings... reflections of an insane examinated mind
The last post has been removed, just in case i contravene some sedition act, for incitement to political violence. I told TK blogging was dangerous, you could get in trouble for it, he said I was "siao", but well, craziness can become reality. ;) Coming from someone who has been in an IT club for 6 years, the internet is a crazy dangerous world, and blogging enables everyone and anyone to link to you and read your thoughts (of course, the most intimate ones are left unsaid and undocumented). I just found out that jenn has somehow found her way to my blog... welcome... but i don't think i gave her the blog address... hmmm.
.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
2 weeks of examinations and my brains are nearly fried... for an incongruous list of things I have done... 1 drq, 1 case study, 3 econs essay, 8 history essays, 8 lit essays, 2 s hist essay, and s econs essay to come. A rather pathetic attempt to imitate decline and fall. I'm losing my inspiration, being expected to churn out 3 essays per day, doing more work in 2 weeks than what i've done for the whole year. I know this is just pathetic, unintellectual, boring whinings of a crazy 17 year old dealing with prelims... so ignore me. Everything seems to be linking up, within subjects, across subjects, when suddenly the meaninglessness and circularity of D and F, cast its ugly shadow across Pinter and Plath and S Hist, when predictions of revolution leading to revolution happening bring to mind self-fulfilling expectations theory.
I have thought it would have taken me dreadfully long to come to this stage, where life is at a turning point, full of uncertainty. After nearly 2 years, i am not even sure i like college life, i know i will surely miss it, but not sure whether is it out of love and nolstalgia or just pure familiarity of routine. Seeing the same people in the same classroom, the same teacher for the same subject for 8 blocks a week. Even morning assembly on mondays have become more of a joke, instead of a dread. I'm sure it's familiarity, considering i have never absorbed any of the school propaganda and for a very long time, i have sought greener pastures. Without the familiarity of meeting everyday, will we even make the effort to meet up and remain good friends, a huge gathering without cliques? Cynical me says unlikely, the teeny weeny romantic side of me says i can always initiate.
Shall stop typing, cos my fingers really hurt from all the writing this morning.
.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
2 weeks of examinations and my brains are nearly fried... for an incongruous list of things I have done... 1 drq, 1 case study, 3 econs essay, 8 history essays, 8 lit essays, 2 s hist essay, and s econs essay to come. A rather pathetic attempt to imitate decline and fall. I'm losing my inspiration, being expected to churn out 3 essays per day, doing more work in 2 weeks than what i've done for the whole year. I know this is just pathetic, unintellectual, boring whinings of a crazy 17 year old dealing with prelims... so ignore me. Everything seems to be linking up, within subjects, across subjects, when suddenly the meaninglessness and circularity of D and F, cast its ugly shadow across Pinter and Plath and S Hist, when predictions of revolution leading to revolution happening bring to mind self-fulfilling expectations theory.
I have thought it would have taken me dreadfully long to come to this stage, where life is at a turning point, full of uncertainty. After nearly 2 years, i am not even sure i like college life, i know i will surely miss it, but not sure whether is it out of love and nolstalgia or just pure familiarity of routine. Seeing the same people in the same classroom, the same teacher for the same subject for 8 blocks a week. Even morning assembly on mondays have become more of a joke, instead of a dread. I'm sure it's familiarity, considering i have never absorbed any of the school propaganda and for a very long time, i have sought greener pastures. Without the familiarity of meeting everyday, will we even make the effort to meet up and remain good friends, a huge gathering without cliques? Cynical me says unlikely, the teeny weeny romantic side of me says i can always initiate.
Shall stop typing, cos my fingers really hurt from all the writing this morning.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)